I always know change is coming.
I feel restless, agitated, confused, uninspired, despair. I fall into a familiar hole with no feeling of being able to change it.
I get sick.
Something ending and something new beginning. An old pattern ready to go but I have to go through it one more time to finally release it. Yup, I know the drill.
The more I try to hold it down, refuse its existence; I sink further in the quicksand. So I just have to let it be. Sit still. Let it devour me.
Listen.
Physical pains usually note the peak point. The last two weeks it started with a full blown fever, night sweats and ended with sciatic pain waking me at 4am.
The body is the final sounding call for energetic change and I finally knew I needed help moving it. The confusion was too thick and the physical pain too sharp it made me reach out.
I called my reiki friend and asked for a session.
The last time she worked on me was In August right before I left town. I felt a fear I hadn't had since before I moved here. At that time mid-August life felt like a pressure cooker (a nice precursor to Irma) Her session was illuminating and I felt so much move off me immediately, I've never been so grateful for the assistance.
This time around she asked me what was up. She told me it was a shedding of energetic skin. Since being back post Irma, its been happening at a much faster and frequent pace.
Afterwards we talked about the energy we've both been feeling in town. She shared her recent confusion too and how it didn't release until she met the earth in Hawaii. Key West is built on porous rock and so grounding is difficult (Probably why so many people lose their heads and sanity while on vacation here). And the energy after Irma has been darker. We're not crazy.
The question that always comes up for me is will I stay in Key West or is it time to go? When I came back post Irma I was so agitated. How can everyone act like this place is the same? Its not... and the pretending it was, was pissing me off.
She told me she saw me living part time in Colorado and part of the time here. Do I have any friends in Colorado?? How ironic would it be to go back to the place I tried to run from...
But I have been craving that rock. That earth. I didn't share that I had been looking at apartments on and off in Boulder the past few months.
My plan for this season's work got blown out a few weeks back.
I'm quickly learning I cannot plot my future in a straight line anymore. The vision I try to stand on and hold down thinking all is good and final; cannot be the way for me. And as much as I want security and solid ground, my true nature expects flow and open space. Even if that can be scary.
I let go of one thing draining me knowing that the universe will fill whatever new space I create. Almost immediately straight to my iPhone with two offers while I'm at the beach breathing in my new morning ritual.
I guess I have to be reminded of this from time to time. Don't try to grip so tight. Let it go, let it flow and continue to follow what I love. All will be fine.
So I create a morning ritual (but remember this will need to change too) Reconnect to my breath to ground. Write, photograph, paint, teach yoga, give eco-water tours, wait tables, learn to market all kinds of goods for people online, feel out my next trip.
We all look for our life's purpose even if we don't admit it. I'm starting to find that mine is working with people and showing them light. It could be a laugh over a table, a conch I pull out of the water to show, teaching some yoga on the beach, a touch and conversation or any artistic expression.
Light.
Shine that light.
And shed that skin to shine some more.